Will I ever feel better? A step towards coping with distress.

The portrayal of infatuation, love, relationships or attraction has always been associated with a feeling of euphoria be it in movies or books or even in real life. It’s a feeling that everyone wants to experience at least once in their lifetime. Depending on the situation at hand and the compatibility between partners, this honeymoon period can either be short-lived or be forever.

How a romantic breakup affects an individual is a subjective topic. Some people move on, some people get themselves into grief, some feel depressed and some become clinically depressed (Yes, you read it right. Feeling depressed isn’t equivalent to clinical depression). Sometimes a valid explanation from your ex-partner might also feel absurd in case of the ending of serious relationships. People look for an explanation that is complicated and dramatic enough to justify the ending. This ends up putting them under stress which we talked about in our previous post and referred to as post-breakup stress. Here, We will try to give you some strategies to overcome the same.

(Image by-MaNa KaSh)

The Psychological outlook 

Looking at the scientific aspect shows that, the psychological coping strategies can be divided into 14 types: 

1. Self-distraction: keeping oneself busy with something so that the individual doesn't think about the problem at hand
2. Active coping: accepting the impact of trauma on life and taking direct action to improve things
3. Denial: not acknowledging the occurrence of any emotional trauma
4. Substance use: use of alcohol and drugs to manage emotions
5. Use of emotional support: such as therapy or talking to friends and family
6. Use of instrumental support: help offered in the form of some tangible and/or physical ways
7. Behavioral disengagement: giving up and stop trying to change the situation
8. Emotional venting: letting out all the emotions by different sorts of ways
9. Positive reframing: trying to see the situation in a positive light
10. Planning: planning to solve the distress of the situation
11. Humor (Chandler’s way)
12. Acceptance: bringing acceptance for the situation
13. Religion: turning towards religion and spirituality to cope with stress
14. Self-blame: blaming oneself for the occurrence of traumatic events

A study conducted on 50 traumatized adolescents found that youth tend to use distraction coping mechanisms and emotional non-acceptance methods to deal with trauma. Emotional non-acceptance is characterized by an unwillingness to accept negative emotions and/or denial to experience any activity which may trigger the same emotions. The presence of such trauma symptoms is the brain's way of cognitively metabolizing the situation, adapting to it, and to sow the seeds of post-traumatic growth. 'Healthy denial' helps individuals to process the event that occurred at his/her own rate without overwhelming themselves. It has been seen that people showing positive growth are relieved from this distress soon. It is also hypothesized that these symptoms somewhere mediate the process of positive growth in individuals.

Drawing map towards a better you

Going through a breakup becomes quite taxing emotionally and physically. Thus reviving from it and moving on is a crucial aspect. The following are a few ways or strategies to overcome a heartbreak:

1. Face your feelings: A wide range of emotions are bound to come along with a breakup and it’s absolutely alright to let them out and acknowledge them otherwise ignorance to them will prolong the process of moving on.

2. Share your feelings: Don’t just keep those thoughts to yourself, rather share with your close ones. Venting it out will help overcome the situation better.

3. Connect with those who matter: While we are invested in a relationship, we develop a habit of slipping away from our pals unintentionally so rekindling that dormant friendship can help you feel much better.

4. Indulge in activities/hobbies: Try learning something new or indulge yourself in hobbies or any new activity/skill to take your mind off the matter at hand. As our focus shifts onto other things, it catalyzes the process of moving on.

5. Pamper yourself: Cut some slack and focus on making yourself happy. Take care of your health, eat to your heart’s content, travel, meditate, in short try to make peace with your mind.

6. Avoid revenge: Many times, no matter how lucrative it may be, taking revenge for a breakup is never a healthy thing to do. Not only does it disturb your peace of mind but leads to a myriad of other problems.

7. Believe in yourself: No matter how dependent we were on a relationship, each one of us has an inherent potential to take care of ourselves to an extent that no one else can and we shouldn’t rely on others because we know ourselves the best.

8. Forgiveness: Lastly learn to forgive. This will not only make you the one with a bigger heart but also eliminates the negativity out of your mind. Holding grudges has never bought us any good so why waste time on something that futile.

The magic of time

Nevertheless, this shouldn’t stop us from meeting new people, trusting them, or falling in love because it’s not a one-time thing but an ongoing process that has its own charm. So be sure to embrace that feeling, have faith and at the same time be clear with what you want.

It’s cliched, and many might have already told you this, but things do get better. If the explanation feels absurd and you are looking for something more justifiable, make one for yourself. Stop thinking why that person was perfect for you, or why it would have been great if you two were together. Think about everything that wasn’t right in your relationship, and maybe then things will start to make sense. Scientifically, for some aspects males and females might feel different, or have different coping mechanisms or different hormonal releases. But let’s just keep all that aside for a moment, because heartbreak is after all a heartbreak no matter who you are. So, give yourself some time, do not blame yourself or anyone else, think about other better things, and be patient enough not to give yourself into the darkness of pain and grief. The psychological distress will fade away if you can give the right reasons. 

As the famous saying goes “Time heals everything” is true in this scenario as well so hold back, don’t overstress, and let time work its magic.

PS: Don’t forget to watch “Shaadi me Zaroor Aana”.